Departures …

I bought a radio hook up for my car / ipod last year on sale. I loved it to pieces. Literally, it went 4 x4 driving and didn’t survive. I’ve been making due with Triple J (Amazing, Australia, Amazing) and 10 year old CD’s. No Doubt’s Return of Saturn and Alanis Morrisette.

But, I did just discover Spotify, and that if I pay an extra $10 per month for my pay – as – you go phone, I have enough data to use it all the time. My Nexus phone has a speaker and I can play it in the car. If I am in a car accident, this is why. I can make playlists and look up songs in traffic.

My latest playlist is called Sadz. I need a cathartic experience and I need to cry. I’ve been in what I like to call “solution mode” for the last 8 weeks. Solution mode is defined by a lack of emotion and .. finding solutions.

I’ve found some solutions:

I’m moving to Kayseri, Turkey. I like Turkey, I like the job opportunity which has presented itself. I will be able to learn new skills, write, hopefully pick up better Turkish and eventually get into a Masters program (and pay for it!).

I will go to Vancouver for 6 – 8 weeks and have a good time. I will see the people I care about and have fun with them.

I will stay centered with exercise, a little bit of Buddhist philosophy and not overdoing the less healthy things …

Paperwork has been sent, the first of the goodbyes said, plane tickets booked and plans set in motion.

I can crack now.

I watched and read Eat, Pray, Love again. The first time I read it, I was in Bali on a vacation from an internship in Surabaya, Indonesia. I loved the book then because I was in Bali, and I loved Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on spirituality. I was in a weird place there, between Islam and Christianity, living in a Muslim country and spending a lot of time with Baptist Christians.

I read it again at home in Vancouver, years later. I hated it. I thought Elizabeth Gilbert was whiny. I was going through a difficult break up. I was home from being abroad and everything seemed so hard – school, work and the city. How great would it be to abandon everything and just take off for Italy, India and Indonesia? Unrealistic and irresponsible Elizabeth – you’re just lucky or dumb or both.

I love it again, now. Probably because I feel old, and she touches on how ridiculous she feels travelling while everyone else is getting married or having children. The uncertainty, the necessity of learning something new and beautiful, rebuilding from the inside out. A perfect book.

They use Neil Young  music in the Eat, Pray, Love movie. I use Neil Young on my Sadz play list (and would in my movie… if anyone wants to make it, please call me) (tentative title – Eat,Run,Read)

I want to live,
I want to give
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.
It’s these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching for a heart of gold.And I’m getting old.
Keep me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.I’ve been to Hollywood
I’ve been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.
I’ve been in my mind,
It’s such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a heart of gold.And I’m getting old.
Keeps me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.

Keep me searching for a heart of gold.
You keep me searching and I’m growing old.
Keep me searching for a heart of gold
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.

My car conversations with Neil Young via the Sadz play- list on Spotify:

Oh Neil, I AM getting old ! I have crossed that ocean for a heart of gold, but now I am crossing back over that said ocean.  It IS such a fine line, that keeps us searching, for that heart of gold. I AM a miner. And I’m getting old.

Thanks Neil Young. You get it.

Maybe I can let go a bit and have a good cry now.

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